I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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