People with herpes should wear stickers.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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