So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
