So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
