What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
