Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
