we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
