bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
