Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
