this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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