Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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