I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize