Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
