that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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