Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
