well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
