This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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