I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
