Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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