Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
