is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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