I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
