I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize