I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
How's work?
Spinning.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize