Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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