My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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