Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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