What did we do last night that was yellow?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize