It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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