the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
