im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
