ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
