I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
