Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She told me I should be a condom model.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
