i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
