Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
