I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
