my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
