OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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