Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
