1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
