I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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