I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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