This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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