i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she pinky promised me she was 18
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
