who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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