Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
