It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize