He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
