I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
