Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i love accidental penises.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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