I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
