Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
