If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
